Food Porn

Tags

churro, detox, donuts, food, food porn, health, hell

Greetings from day 6 of detox hell. Only 15 more days to go! (?) Hmmm…. I can’t decide if saying it like that makes it seem longer or shorter. Nevertheless, I am now having dreams about eating donuts, the jelly filled kind, which, for the record I didn’t even eat before this detox. Maybe I should have… Either way, I woke up this morning not sure if my food porn dreams were just a dream or reality. Nothing like waking up in shear panic because your donut wet dream was too realistic and you think you fell off the healthy wagon. Fail. And since I cannot eat said donuts, I am going to do the next best thing. Here is a chart of the donuts I will be stuffing my face with 15 days from now (in no particular order):

Yes. That’s a churro. And yes I will be partaking in that one too.
I wonder if I just bought some and chewed them and then spit them out… does that count? And can someone please explain to me why I wasn’t eating donuts before!

Zen and The Art of Dog Shaming

Tags

dog, dog shaming, murder, puppy, shame

As some (or none) of you know I am co-parent to a very cute, very naughty puppy named Sunday. Thanks to my lack of formal parenting skills she is now the worst behaved, most co-dependent little bitch residing in our abode (and that’s saying a lot considering she has two bitchy moms). So you can imagine my delight when I stumbled across the “dog shaming” phenomenon; why I didn’t think of this first is beyond me. perhaps its the lack of carbs in my diet. Now if you’re like moi and seriously can’t get it together in the dog training dept., dog shaming seems like the next best logical answer. When in doubt, shame it out. See exhibits A – D

Exhibit A – My pooch is also a hoarder. I am calling A&E as I type.

Exhibit B – I need one of these boxes. STAT. No seriously, where does one procure a box of shame?

Exhibit C – Apparently this little son of a bitch has eaten 16 pairs of jeans… time for a new dog.

And last but certainly not least, my very own shameful puppy:

Exhibit D – In addition to her hoarding, racism, co-dependency, and all out bitchiness she has also taken to baby bird murdering.

Its should be noted that her newest (and most disturbing) bad behavior comes in the form of stealing expensive make up brushes and chewing the ends to a sharp point. I’m no dog expert, but I’m 100% percent sure she’s going to attempt to shank one, if not both of us. In the very near future.

 

 

 

Detox for dummies

Tags

21 days, dairy, detox, diet, gluten, hell, misery, what am I doing?, wheat

So a few months ago I discovered that I am wheat and dairy intolerant, I know, I know… what’s butter loving, carb eating bitch to do? Aaaand while cutting out my most favorite foods has been nothing short of a tragedy, I have to say that it has literally been a game changer in the way I feel. Anywho, because I’m a complete a-hole I decided to take this shit to A. Whole. Other. Level. and do a 21 day detox. Retard. I know. So in a nutshell I will be forgoing all fat, sugar, dairy, and starch for the next 3 weeks and I will be recording the insanity here, for your viewing pleasure.

Spoiler alert: I can already pretty much outline how the upcoming 21 days will shake out and me smizing next to a grapefruit is not what that shit is going to look like. no.   no no. no.no.no.no.not going to happen.

Speaking of which, can we sidebar for a sec? While googling images for this blog I literally came face to face with the most deranged and probably hungry looking people I ever did see. Look and ye shall believe…

she’s so MOTHER F’ING hungry she’s freaking out over a salad. Shit. This is going to be bad.

 

Clearly the side effect of too much fruit is….. crazy eyes. Spread the word!

Ooh look at me, I’m eating an orange! SEXUAL!

I am currently closing out the end of day 2, thought you deserved to know just how far we’re in it… Just popped 2 Ativan. Not feeling so hungry anymore… I’m definitely going to need more pills.

Take a seat

Tags

bright, chairs, colors, dining, gotta have, interior decor, kitchen, living, style

So in my Pinterest quest for home decor perfection I stumbled across these gems, which got me thinking…

Wouldn’t this be super easy to do with any un-upholstered chair? There is something about vibrant and unexpected color combos that really rock my interior design world. So anyway, after I found these bad boys of course I googled my brains out and found these:

Further solidifying my need for some serious brightly hued chair action.

Mary Had A Little Lamb (Vest)

Tags

fall, fashion, Furry friends, layering is the new black, Mary had a little lamb vest, panties

It’s 115 degrees out right now, so OBVIOUSLY I’m furiously hunting for the perfect fur vest (duh.) After I saw this saucy bitch’s ensemb I knew my furry closet friends were in desperate need of a new pal.

This is what we call a “sexual fur situation” and I’m buying what she’s sellin.

I mean, all these hookers can’t be wrong… can they? (see said hookers below) I mean, look at them! They’re looking fierce (and warm) and if I were a bunny, or a fox, or a little chinchilla I would be honored to bequeath my gorg carc to the fashion gods. (who ever said that reincarnation doesn’t exist, clearly has never seen a ombre Mongolian Lamb vest)  Say Cheese! (good thing you had on your fur vest and panties, right?)

Do I need meds? Yes, probably. But do I ALSO need a new fur vest (or 3)? Yes, definitely. (Specifically these three. Park your peepers below)

 

You ain’t nothin but a hoochie mama

Tags

hot mess, jersey-whore, seriously?, taint

Seriously. Where have all the chic girls gone? My partner in crime and I have noticed that more often than not you can go a whole night out on the town without seeing a single solitary chicka who’s got her shit on point. And I’m not talking that she’s got the physique of a Victoria’s Secret model and is the most stunning specimen you’ve every laid your Dior coated peepers on, I’m talking… she’s got her shoe game right, ensemb is well-fitting and not made of BS poly-blend garbage,  she didn’t forget her pants, and she’s not a walking wardrobe malfunction. What the F happened, ladies? Don’t believe me? How about some visual proof… ever been to the TheDirty.com? Case closed. (side note: these are REAL people that really exist on this planet)

Ever watched the Jersey Shore? Bam. Done deal.

Didn’t you notice the girl ordering a drink next to you at the bar with no god damn shoes on? That just happened. Here’s a tip, ladies… don’t ever, ever, ever, ever take your shoes off in public. Ever. I don’t care if your feet feel as though they make explode in to flames, fall off, or go completely numb and then disintegrate, don’t take them off.

I realize that going back to the days where a woman would NEVER leave the house without full hair, make-up and charming gloves on might be a tad unrealistic (meh) But can’t there be a middle ground between that and this? or this?

That is someone’s daughter! Listen, it’s not about spending boatloads of cash on the perfect little outfit, it’s about leaving a little to the imagination and maintaining control of your persons. If you want to go home and barf your brains out in your own hair and cry and make 100 pizza bagels at 4am, then girl, do it! But just make sure that you are A. in your own house and B. there are no witnesses around and C. that you kept your shoes on until you reached your own front door.

Keep it classy my friends

xoxo

Puppy Love

Tags

cha ching!, love, puppies, Roger

Yesterday I fell in love… it’s happened before. It was love at first sight. Unfortunately this love is very expensive… What do you think? We are considering naming him Roger

Namaste….bitches

Tags

fail, hot yoga, my life sucks

Some people think yoga is a serene, peaceful, and granola-eating inducing practice… those people weren’t subjecting themselves to 90 minutes a day of hot yoga for thirty f’ing straight days. Only retarded people do that, I am retarded. My whole life revolves around this “challenge” and it has taken every ounce of willpower, I never knew I had, to stick with it. I’m not going to lie… I’ve been drinking a lot  there have been some pretty ugly days. I have also looked pretty ugly for most of them, which goes against every shred of Stepford femme-bot inside of me (just to shed some light… I am the kind of lady female human being who will put on full hair and make-up with approp ensemb to run and get coffee) So you can imagine the emotional duress I am under by living in yoga clothes, permanent ponytail/ bun situation and varying degrees of Lululemon homelessness. Tragic.

I have to go to yoga now.

Pedestrian or Speed Bump?

Tags

blogging under the influence, boozey fun, champers, drunk driving, prison bitch, tent city

What? Not a game you’ve played? Weird! Well, let me first start by saying that I truly enjoy drinking and driving, it’s a shame that pesky things like laws and people get in the way of me doing what I love…. Literally and figuratively. There is nothing like chillaxing in your car, cruising down the road, with the radio blasting your fave tune while you sing incomprehensibly at the top of your lungs (shit half the time I don’t even know the words!) with a glass of champagne in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other, the wind in your hair, and the power of your 3 cylinder SMART car engine at your feet… ahhh bliss! Here in AZ, “they” (meaning the man) take the whole “drinking and driving” thing real, real seriously… like get caught once and next thing you know you are some man-lady named Bruiser’s bitch in tent city (don’t know what tent city is? oy vey. look it up. real special) Do not pass go, do not have dignity remain intact. You get the picture. Nevertheless me likey drinky and drivey (doesn’t mean I ACTUALLY do it, does mean I fantasize about it on the reg) So for the sake of MADD (mothers against drunk driving) not hunting me down and dismembering my spray tanned body we will say the “hypothetically” I like to drunk drive and if YOU “hypothetically” drink and drive in the future make it a real good one… for both of us

Confessions of a love-aholic

Tags

hoarders, intervention status, Love-Aholic, retail therapy, wine for dinner

Hello, my name is Anjuli… and I…. am a love-aholic. (side note: If you are expecting this post be a sappy, heartwarming post about love, puppies and gushy things…. you expected wrong. Pull it together.) Every rehab fearing socialite knows that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. My problem? I love too much. (I am mentally checking off step one now) Love too much you say? How can that be? (you say… to yourself) Well, here it is. You may want to sit down. Already sitting down? Sit further… down. (don’t question, just do it) When existing fabulously in my daily life I fall in love on average of about 15 times a day (side note: that number has no scientific validity whatsoever, I just guessed, and made that shit up. Because I can) I know, FIFTEEN TIMES A DAY! How do I have time for things life work, bathing, manicures and eating!? I don’t. It’s tragic, I am about a week month away from coming home to a white intervention banner and my friends & family members sitting in my living room with heartfelt handwritten letters in their lap and tears in their eyes. I know it’s wrong, but it feels so right! Like having a bottle of wine for dinner or spending every last dime you have on a to-die-for designer dress you will probably never wear. Let’s take last Friday for instance, while going about my day and minding my own business I fell in love this many times:

A vintage Presidential Rolex and YSL military coat!? I know! Who doesn’t LOVE those! Yes, that is an Alaia pony hair iPad case. No, I don’t have an iPad. Yes, I still need that case! No, it’s not weird to lust after Louis Ghost Chairs and purple stand mixers (I am going to ask Santa for those for x-mas). Yes, this is what the inside of my brain looks like. Exhausting right? How could anyone keep up? How could anyone not cry themselves to sleep at night for not having all the things she loves? How is this girl still single?

I don’t know what step 2 in the recovery process is, but while I was locating images of all the things I fell in love with on Friday I have stumbled across a dozen more things I love and may sell an organ to have.  Call it divine intervention? Sigh. Because honestly, who needs to eat and take showers? Those people on Hoarders seem to be doing A-Okay…. right?

Clearly the solution to this problem is to win the lottery (aka find a rich guy with one foot in the grave) and buy a bigger house.